I know I fell off the blogging wagon. I have been so touched by how many people have commented on my disappearance, and feel that I should explain myself. First though, I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my useless ramblings.
Those who know me personally will know that September 15 is my birthday. I don’t want a year to pass without a comment on my last birthday. September 15, 2009 started out wonderfully. Friends at work surprised me with a card and a Snickers bar with a single lit candle. Lots of well wishers called, posted messages on my Facebook page and the lovely Charmaine invited me over for a delicious dinner. It was an all round pleasant birthday.
That night I got the most dreadful call I have ever received: my mom died suddenly … yes on my birthday.
I can’t quite describe the effect this has had on me. For the first 6 months after my mom’s death, it took every ounce of strength I had in my body just to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other to walk, string words together to formulate sentences, and frankly, not lose my mind. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a talker, but lately talking about the mundane no longer makes sense to me and the struggle to maintain a veneer of normalcy while internally I’m lacerated, has required more energy than I ever thought possible.
I’m not going to be philosophical about this, but my mom dying was the ultimate form of abandonment, albeit unintentional. I write all this not because I seek sympathy, but because I wanted to explain where I’ve been in the last year. I know the heartbreak will become heartache and eventually the memories will become a source of comfort.
This year, I choose not to celebrate my birthday (although that would upset my mother terribly). Instead, on this eve of the first anniversary of my mom’s death, I would like to take a moment to publicly remember the most fearless, courageous, funny, and crazy (in a good way) woman I’ve ever had the privilege to know. I’m honored to have called her “Mommy”. I beg her forgiveness everyday for the terrible teenager that I was. I thank her everyday for teaching me the difference between right and wrong, for setting my moral compass, and most importantly for loving me in spite of myself.
To Mom, with all my love.